Chapter Eleven: Groveling
Claimed By... TBD
EPISODE DESCRIPTION:
The “will-they or won’t-they” romance no one ever even THOUGHT about comes to fruition. So to process this reality, Sharon decides to record an episode of a fake romance podcast where she discusses groveling.
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ABOUT:
Claimed By… TBD is a fictional podcast and Substack Feed.
LOGLINE: A romance podcaster, whose ultimate fantasy is to be abducted by sexy aliens, DOES encounter sexy aliens! But getting stranded on an uninhabited planet makes her fantasy scenario an absolute nightmare. Will she find true love? Probably not. There’s barely a chance of her even surviving.
Written and Performed by Becky Feldman
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
Chapter Eleven: Groveling
SHARON:
[in mic]
Ahoy, passengers! You’re aboard The Love Trope: A Romance podcast that Promises Smutty Reads for Everyone. I’m your host Sharon Manovich sharing m’knowledge about romance novels so you can set a course for your next reading adventure.
And today we’re talking about a trope in romance called groveling -- someone falling to their knees, in order to win favor with someone, or forgiveness. It’s a grand gesture to show you’re sorry.
In a romance, it’s usually when one of the main characters realizes they screwed up and they do whatever it takes to win back the heart of their one true love. A memorable grovel can be seen as a grand slam when it comes to romance novels. There’s always a big gesture, whether it’s a marriage proposal featuring a marching band, flying across the world last minute to win back the person you lost, or, in some cases, putting together a high-stakes rescue mission to save the person who got kidnapped by the vice president who we realized was evil this whole time.
A grovel I absolutely love is in Cold Wicked Lies. A FBI hostage negotiator, who is also super quirky, is kidnapped. And she’s led out into the woods by a bad guy and gets shot in the arm. But then her love interest Agent Payne Novak like race in and beat the shit out of him. After he’s done, this mess of a human bad guy is drowning in his own blood. Charlotte is bleeding from a bullet wound. And the ONLY thing Payne can think of to say is that he’s ready to be exclusive with their relationship.
In a romance it’s not the size of the grovel, the size of the emotional growth a character undergoes to get passed his own hangups about love.
It can be showing up at your lover’s door late at night. Or sending them a letter. It can be randomly running into each other at a mutual friend’s wedding that you’re not really having that much fun at.
Or… like, let’s say there’s this guy… I mean, a male character… like, I’m not thinking of anyone in particular. But, like, let’s say this male character has really fucked up. Not like cheating fucked up. But… just had a shitty attitude about things and would say insulting things without realizing how insulting they are. But then there’s a moment where you see a human side of them. A vulnerable side. You feel bad that you perhaps made fun of him on a fake podcast that you do in a rotting alien spaceship… OR WHATEVER!
But then you start looking at that person a different way. And you’re like, wow, I never noticed how beautiful your eyes are. Or how fit your body is. Like, what would it be like to kiss your face or something?
But it doesn’t matter. I am not talking about any incident or man in particular. I just… am not. I’m not.
Billarina, don’t look at me like that. Go back to sleep. You—(sigh)
Okay. Listeners, I’m gonna tell you something. And you can’t judge me. And not because you don’t exist. But because I don’t feel like feeling even more confused than I already am.
I made out with planet earth space astronaut Brett Reyes yesterday. It was awful. But it was great. But it was awful.
So, something totally changed in him.
A few weeks ago, I was in the woods one day looking leaf I could use as a pad because my period just decided to come back after being over for a day, like what the fuck is happening with my body? Anyway, I come back to see Reyes sitting by a tree, rocking and singing to Tam and Lin – Gress and Reese’s twin babies. Reese had to settle some disagreement between Avery and Shillam the Determined. And Reyes was the closest person for her to hand the babies to…
And, look, I don’t have a maternal bone in my body. But… I dunno maybe there’s a centimeter of maternal cartilage in there. But watching Reyes rock these two babies, singing them a lullabye version of “Moves Like Jagger”, which I think is the worst song ever… it did something to my body… Reyes just seemed… attractive.
And, look, I thought my ovaries dried up long before I was abducted. Like if you put my ovaries next to a pile of potpourri you wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. But I guess being on this B’lithial planet where fated mates is an actuality, I was finally seeing Reyes as… somewhat… arousing.
But I still hate him!
But then a few days later, I’m in the animal pen giving Billarina a bath and I see him helping Chartect and Gress build a new jerkoff cabin for the jizz garden. And just seeing him swinging an axe, it just it did something. And even worse, the three of them take a break and share some inside joke and start laughing. And oh my god, does Reyes have this amazing smile. And – ugh!
Look, I thought was that I was just repeating my same old pattern of being attracted to people who find me repulsive. And there is no doubt that Reyes found me repulsive. Let me remind you, he said that I serve no purpose on Earth. He said that he’s rather punch a tree every day for the rest of his life than listen to me cackle like a hag ONE MORE TIME. Every time I talk, he gets that look that so many men on Earth would get whenever I talk words aloud – that irritated glare where their lips pucker up and their eyes are about to pop out of their sockets.
I know that face. I’ve been giving men that face since I was 11 years old complaining to my gym teacher that he was acting like a total Hitler for making us run laps. Was I out of line? Maybe? But did he get fired for behaving inappropriately toward another student? Of course he did. Where was I going with this?
Look, my point is for a straight woman, I have learned the hard way that stalwart men don’t like being told that they’re not as smart as they think they are. Because my tragic flaw is that I live for any opportunity to tell a stalwart man they’re not as smart as they think they are.
So believe me when I started to see signs that Reyes just might be attractive, I just figured it was my subconscious telling me Reyes probably despises me more than most men. Which sure. These are extenuating circumstances.
But then… last night when Billarina charged off to chase some alien-squirrel that’s been taunting her, I found Reyes crouched behind this half-statue, crying. Full-on crying. Wailing. Like a baby.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think I should’ve walked away because, like, what if he was in a bad place. But also I didn’t ask if he was okay because I know when I talk I make things worse. I kinda just sat down… next to him. And then after like 15 minutes, he looks at me and was just like, “We’re really gonna die here, aren’t we?” And I completely empathized with his emotional state. It was gross how much I empathized. So I just nodded and then… I gave him a hug. And he cried even more, until he fell asleep in my arms.
And when we both wake up this morning, it was so awkward.
I start to say that I won’t tell anyone that he cried. But then he interrupts me and was like, “I never thought you served no purpose on Earth. I mean, other people do. NASA does. As does most major insurance companies. And the government. And look, many systemic institutions see women who are beyond their childbearing years as like an Amazon box. It’s there to deliver what you ordered. But once you open it, you really don’t need it anymore.”
And I was like, “Okay, I get it.” And then says, “But I never thought that you’re an Amazon box. I shouldn’t have followed those orders to not prioritize you during the rescue. I know it makes no difference now. But… for what it’s worth. I’m sorry.”
And truthfully I think he was just saying that because he’s sorry that him following orders resulted in HIM not being able to go back to Earth. But then he was like, “I was so sorry the second those words came out of my mouth.”
And I still didn’t believe him and told him that. But Reyes kept insisting he was sorry. And then I was like, “Okay prove it…” And then, he grabbed my face and kissed me. And then we made out. For like a really long time. And… I don’t know if it was like a hate-make-out… like he’s so repulsed by me that he had to make out with me?
But I was so repulsed by him that he became attractive. And… I dunno. Our little make out was… amazing. Electric. Like… it felt right.
Look, I know he’s not my mate, according to the laws of this planet. I never had a sex dream about him. I know that I’m immune to the B’lithial energy. I’m not gonna bond like everyone else here and find my fated mate. But… it doesn’t mean I can’t find… a PERSON, MY PERSON right? Maybe… maybe I just needed to be kidnapped and marooned on a planet with sexy aliens in order to realize that who I belonged with all along was a human man.
Like… what if that’s my love story? It would make for an interesting book… that would piss off sci-fi romance readers everywhere, but… it oddly feels like how my love story would go. IF I were in a love story. IF.
And there’s only one way to find out, I guess. And that is to open this book I guess.
This has been Sharon Manovich sharing M’knowledge about romance novels. Bon voyage and I’ll see you next time aboard the Love Trope.
[RECORD ON/OFF]
SHARON:
(panicked)
Hi. Okay. This is Sharon. Blah… Fuck. I thought I knew what I was gonna say when I raced over here and now I forgot everything. But fuck! Reyes is the Demon! The Demon. The Demon that I thought was fake. The demon that half the survivors are off questing to look for. That demon is Reyes. Who is here! At the camp with all of us NON-questers. He is living and growing stronger among the most vulnerable people. I am not making this up.
Okay, so earlier, I was walking over to Reyes’ homebrewing set-up in his ship to tell him about my feelings whatever, and when I get to the entrance, I hear him monologuing to himself about how he once existed on this planet but died off when the old civilization died off. But then, when we all crashed here, our energy mixed with the planet’s bilithial energy allowed the demon to reawaken. And it’s Reyes and he’s been re-awakening ever since he quote-unquote landed here! And he’s been using the bilithial energy to get stronger each day. And once he does he’ll unveil his true demon form and then enslave all of us and turn into demon zombies and destroy this planet.
At first I thought he was doing a prank on me. I’m very prankable. Always been.
I But then I saw his true demon form in the reflection of homebrewing tank and… it was this dragon-like face with sharp fangs, made entirely of FIRE! And Jesus Christ… just like in the end of the Little Mermaid when Sebastian discovers that Ursula has been that mystery woman and … this is insane. Reflections reveal everything. Okay, sorry, I’m babbling. Fuck! I cant even record a deadly warning without getting off topic.
I know it makes no sense. But… nothing makes sense! I mean, I discovered that the villain of this entire situation is right under our noses and my first thought was to run to record an addendum to a make-believe podcast that no one will ever hear. But, it needs to be validated somehow and I don’t know what else to do.
Okay, maybe, now I see why whoever wrote that warning tablet about the demon did it. To warn others. Just in case because they knew they were fucked. So, I’m passing it on!
To anyone hearing this, consider this a warning to the next civilization who happens to land here. THIS PLANET HAS A DEMON. It has a demon! And the only way to kill it is to dilate the demon’s vital fluid containers. I wish I could tell you more. But that’s all I know. So, uh,… yeah, good luck with that.
[SFX: Door opening]
Someone’s coming…
[SFX: Monster roar]
[RECORD OFF]